Fratty called me last night (before midnight as well) and asked if he could see me before he went on holiday for 2 weeks. I told him I was busy. He sulked. I still said no. He said he would call me from St John. I said it was too expensive and not to. Why do the boys you don't care about like you? I do feel like a goddess today but I think it has more to do with the fact that I am wearing slutty fishnet stockings and fuck me boots.

Dead skinny, me

My size at Club Monaco is a 0. I think that this is one of their cynical marketing tactics, labelling clothes lower so that you feel virtuous about squeezing into a smaller than usual size and then rewarding yourself with merchandise. I am not that tiny but I do know people who are - where are they supposed to shop? Club Monaco does not do children. Whilst the 0 is not really having any desired effect on my self esteem, it certainly explains what is rattling around in my bra these days.

I'm so excited

I have just booked my trip to Curacao for Christmas. All my favourite people still live there so this year Santa is bringing me a suntan and sclerosis. Will never be able to get any work done before the holidays now (not that this was ever really in doubt) as I am permanently drifting off into reverie about dancing on bars and crashing cars.

Can't face London since I had a nervous breakdown last time I was there. I know this because I am now an expert on depression, being on page 54 of my current book. Oh, and by the way, it's a must read.

I think there must be something wrong with me but Flicky gave me some lame arse excuse for standing me up last night like "I have to emergency babysit for my sister". Yeah right and the dog ate my homework.

I ended up getting a delivery and continuing my Godfather marathon. I have been told by every bloke I know and by one female friend (so it must be right then) that the answers to all of life's problems are in the Godfather. Maybe I am too naive or was too wasted but I had a hard time trying to figure out why X fat Italian was getting shot and who was plotting against who. Maybe I am just confused with life? But I think the real answer is just that all men are divisive, bi-polar emotional fuckwits that destroy anyone who gets remotely close to them. (I still have Part III to go and have been reliably informed that it's crap. I just hope Kay comes back and leaves her footprint on Al's arse)

There's only one thing stopping us from behaving like mature adults about this and it's that you're a big fat whiny arsed cry baby.

Urgh
Lawyers are sooooooooooooo boring. Flicky has given me 4 choices for dinner tonight and I have been to all of them. He mentioned somewhere on 84th! Street and I had a dick fit. Please just let me make all the decisions. It will be so much easier in the long run.

Thanks so much to Liz for sending me to this which is the best thing I have seen in ages. Does anyone know if this guy is single?

Stinky gave me a tape he made for me. It has bands on it I have never heard of (he did say when asked if he played any musical instruments himself - "not in any conventional sense") but a ton I have with titles like (Are you) The one that I have been waiting for? Not a chance mate unless you clean up your act. He also gave me a blue jay feather and some magic mushrooms - Groove on in........

The Dating Game
All I did was smile at him in a bar and now it seems I have a date. It's been so long since I have done this that I am completely out of practice.

For example, he went into a long detailed soliloquy about the dark and disturbing music scene of the 80s, how he would save for months in Latvia to purchase vinyl (swoon) and how there was nothing remotely like this nowadays. I told him that I was quite into Michael Jackson in the 80s and you couldn't get much more dark and disturbing than that. A long silence followed by a long sigh.

As it happened, a further conversation revealed that he has "loads of tattoos" and would appear to be "pierced down there". I am mortified, not knowing how or whether to respond to this news. I understand from a sage friend that this is supposed to be good for me, but I am having problems getting my head round it.

David Gray
Just bought 2 tickets for this geez at Madison Square Garden on Jan 31. That should give me enough time to find someone to take.

The Chokehold

Inducing cerebral anoxia, a deficiency of oxygen in the brain, through suffocation methods while approaching orgasm is known as erotic asphyxiation. The interference of blood supply to the brain brought on by erotic asphyxiation can intensify sensations. That's because the lack of blood flow and oxygen can produce giddiness, lightheadedness, or exhilaration. It's also possible that the helplessness and self-endangerment inherent in the technique enhances the person's sexual gratification

So there you have it guys n' gals.

Atkins diet

I have been losing a lot of weight recently. I'm down to seven and a half stone which is too light for me, all my clothes are hanging off me and my tits are non-existent. I am eating, I'm just not going to the gym all the time. I am drinking as well but no longer have a rich bloke to take me to loads of fancy restuarants. Sign o' the times.

Where is Latvia?
I have a friend who doesn't have an email address or a cell phone but he does have 4 televisions and an apple.

Being single is quite good actually. I don't have to pretend to like anyone's relatives, I can go wherever I like for holidays and if I want to have three-in-a-bed sex then it's nobody's damn business.

mmmmmmm

As our Salman once said.....
"The speed of life often outstrips the heart's ability to respond."
I thought the rest of "Fury" was crap.

I want to link to Sarahspace, but am having problems with my template. Ahhhhhh doncha just luurve it when I talk html?

Groove on in
After a fabulous night out with my good girlie buds at the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow with special guest Regina Spector, who was indeed fabulous, I was feeling particularly ropey this morning. I opened the drawer of my desk to find a single bottle of Tylenol Extra rolling around in there. Yes indeedy I have finally settled into this new job. Here, I will be able to flourish.

S&M
Is it possible to flirt with someone 5 years younger than you and not feel like a catholic priest? I'm going to try it when I'm sober and get back to you.

Downsizing

In a dramatic effort to try and save money, I have been putting all left over delivery food in the freezer instead of the bin (garbage), thereby reducing the volume of space to freeze and saving big time on electricity bills. I feel so virtuous and smug I want to blow a load of cash on leisure drugs.

New job - hurrah
I have filled out all the forms and dude I've got a Dell. Alas do not have a date for the office party - hotel rooms have a jacuzzi as well - but that is fairly typical for me. Most exciting news is that on perusal of the class schdule for the local equinox there's a Yogic Arts with Drummer class.. Fantastic.

Aliens abducted my ex-boyfriend
I'm not sure when this was exactly but clinical trials have shown that they have replaced his personality with something definitely from Mars.

Grrrreat
On the way to the gym the bloke behind the counter at Franklin St subway tells me I'm late today. Is my life so boring and predictable? All soon will change with the reintroduction into my life on Tuesday of the "work" thing. This means routine rut digging and the end of embarrassingly bad black and white photos of Coney Island.

On the way back from the gym I encounter Mr "Rainy Days are Our Days" being nuzzled by a female not his sister.

New self pity t-shirt slogan: Dick slap me please, it will make me feel better.

Alternative Investment (How to spend your severance)
Apparently the Fed cut interest rates by 50bps yesterday. How very depressing since I have no debt and a meagre sum in savings. At a loss as to how to generate some income from this amount I suddenly had a brainwave. Spend it all on a variety of drugs (illegal obviously) and then wait until NY Fashion Week. Isn't this what's known as commodities trading?

Celebrity Moment

SIR Ian McKellan was having dinner tout seul the other night opposite us in Andrew Edmunds. After he'd settled up and left, I decided to chase him down the street and gush about how fantastic I thought he was in Dance of Death with Helen Mirren last year. He looked dead chuffed and thanked me profusely. I would have asked him if he was interested in a short, casual liaison of a sexual nature if he hadn't been wearing a courderoy suit.

England has changed

Tucking into an egg and bacon sarnie in a Pentonville Road caff just now, I heard two blokes (blokes in the English sense of "regular guy") talking about the need for "emotional excercises" before getting seriously involved in a relationship. Back when I used to live here, which was four years ago (yikes!), that meant shagging.

I have decided that self pity is the way forward for 2003. Ahead of the trend for once, I have been indulging completely and have come up with some catchy slogans for t-shirts etc.

"My other boyfriend is nice to me"
"Just been dumped"
"Just been fired"
"My other body has big tits"
"You find someone: they lose you"

I'm bored and forgot to bring my Oil of Evening Primrose to London with me

I thought I would be dying of a broken heart, but after my 15 month old niece had an appoplectic (sp?) fit for 30 minutes, the lack of love in my life just paled into insignificance. All I did was take her out of the swing at "gym babies" or "rug rats" or whatever. She didn't even look as though she was enjoying the swing so much when she was in it and the nice lady in charge had already asked us to leave. Twice.

EX

I ran into an ex-boyfriend today, quite by chance, although, thankfully, he did not see me. At one stage he sent me hate poems and tried to kick down the front door of the flat I lived in with my sister. It would appear that he lied to me all along. It's been seven years since I left him and he's still alive.

Notta lotta love stories

Evil Twin Publications

"I grew up thinking I would find true love on crossing the golden threshold into adulthood. We would be drawn to each other at first sight. We would empathize in every way and have magic sex. What I didn't expect was that gravity pulls us toward so many people, and we love, or make love, or wrap our expectations around them even when in retrospect they were not anyone in particular, not anyone at all. I loved people I could never travel through life with, and who's to know the difference until it's too late? I gathered dozens of stories; collected intimacies with dozens of beings. They rest in the indelible ink of my past. And I am in theirs, carried in the brain cells to distant lands and other people's beds and god knows where. I don't know what any of them think, which parts they remember and what they've long forgotten."

London
It's pissing rain
The trains are delayed

Everything is expensive
No one thinks my accent is "cute"

But
There is a remarkable amount
Of cool young men about